... yahoo philippines on mon tulfo, raymart santiago, and claudine baretto ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila)

When in doubt, chill!

 By Maridol Rañoa-Bismark | Say Cheese! – 12 hours ago

• 2

Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago (NPPA Images)

The Mon Tulfo-Claudine Barretto-Raymart Santiago "Thrilla in NAIA"  could have been prevented had the three people involved knew how to chill, or, in a psychologist's parlance, learned how to manage their anger.

It's human nature to get angry. But, as the airport incident showed,  how you handle that anger makes a world of a difference.   It could spell the difference between violence and a peaceful end to a problem.

Psychologist and anger management specialist Randy Dellosa says that "when handled poorly, conflict can easily escalate into verbal mud-slinging, finger-pointing, character assassination and violent outbursts."

You've seen it on YouTube. You've heard the charges and counter-charges in this Tulfo-Santiago brawl. And you know how it has grown to be  downright ugly.

The Tulfos and Santiagos ended up losing something precious: the gift of living their life peacefully — for the time being, at least.


The sad thing is the situation could have been averted.  Yes, you can argue. But there are rules for fighting fairly.

Dellosa ticks off the rules: 1) Keep it private 2) Remain cordial and respectful despite the differences 3) Focus on root problems 4) Understand each other's perspectives and 5) Focus on solutions.
Obviously, Mon Tulfo and the Santiagos forgot these rules. And all hell broke loose.

Dellosa  admits it's hard to keep one's cool in a situation such as the one that happened at NAIA.

"People consumed by their anger do not think logically and commit acts they would later regret," Dellosa states.

But then, they could have breathed deeply and walked away from the heated situation until they have cooled off.

"The goal of the 'break' is to meet again at a later time with cooler heads and with a focus on finding solutions instead of making personal attacks on each other," Dellosa points out.

To Mon Tulfo, Claudine and Raymart, the psychologist has this to say,  "One can be assertive without needing to be violent or aggressive."

And the lessons all this shows us?

Dellosa declares, "We need to learn how to treat people, even our enemies, with respect and dignity even in the midst of conflict. Keeping peaceful relations should be a priority over winning an argument or forcing what one thinks is right.  And finally, we need to let our bruised egos heal and be willing to forgive."

Let this "Thrilla in NAIA" serve as a lesson, not just to the Tulfos and the Santagos, but to the rest of us who must learn how to manage our anger before it brings out the worst in us.

... on conflict, conflict resolution, and anger management in the philippines ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila)

Conflict is a natural and inevitable part of human existence. Conflict in itself is not bad.  When handled properly, conflicts teach us to practice open-mindedness, tolerance, and compromise. 

However, when handled poorly, conflict can easily escalate into verbal mud-slinging, finger-pointing, character assassination, and violent outbursts.  The result is an unending cycle of “blaming-attacking-defending” wherein everyone ends up exhausted and disgruntled.

Conflicts are often a result of sheer pride and stubbornness.  Just like children, some adults throw tantrums in order to make themselves feel powerful and in control. The conflict would have been easily avoided if the conflicting parties simply yielded and gave up in defending their hard-line stance. 

Anger always carries with it the potential for psychological and physical injury towards others.  Hence, it should always be tempered and must be expressed only in socially acceptable ways. 

Psychologists have come up with rules for fair fighting:  (1) Keep it private.  (2) Remain cordial and respectful despite differences.  (3) Focus on root problems.  (4) Understand each other’s perspectives.  (5) Focus on finding solutions.  

People have different strategies for keeping cool.  One quick remedy for cooling down a hot-head is to do some breathing exercises.  When people are angry, a person’s muscles become very tense and inhaling more oxygen in the body is quick way to relax both body and mind. 

Another strategy to keep cool is by engaging oneself in diversions such as playing computer games, listening to music, watching TV, or talking to friends.  Any distracting activity in fact will quickly dissipate the anger. 

And thirdly, one can remain cool by adopting an attitude of merely “letting go.”

It is very difficult and almost impossible to be clear-headed in the midst of an intense argument.  People consumed by their anger do not think logically and commit acts that they would later regret.  

The best way to attain mental and emotional clarity during a heated argument is to “take a break” and withdraw from the situation.  This gives the conflicting parties some time to calm down and think more rationally.  The goal of the “break” is to meet again at a latter time with cooler heads and with a focus on finding solutions instead of making personal attacks on each other. 

Some principles on anger management: 

One can be assertive without needing to be violent or aggressive.

It is not wrong to stand on an issue but some issues are simply not worth the fight.

It takes a mature and courageous person to admit his or her part in the problem and then actively seek for reconciliation.

More lessons we need to learn: 

We need to learn how to treat people, even our enemies, with respect and dignity even in the midst of conflict. 

Keeping peaceful relations should be made priority over winning an argument or forcing what one thinks is right. 

We need to let our bruised egos heal and be willing to forgive.

... wish ko lang: schizophrenia treatment in the philippines ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila)

gma's wish ko lang visited life change recovery center (lcrc) to have a young female patient named karen confined for psychiatric treatment.  

karen covered herself with a blanket and refused to take the blanket off until everyone else left the room.  as soon as the others were gone, she indeed removed the blanket but still hid her face by covering it with her long, wavy, unkempt hair, looking pretty much like sadako from the movie "the ring."  nevertheless, she started loosening up and answering my queries.  

i diagnosed karen to have schizophrenia, which is a neuro-chemical (dopamine) imbalance in the brain.  she manifested paranoid thoughts and would be seen talking to herself and laughing alone.  furthermore, she isolated herself and stopped attending to her personal hygiene.

many people with schizophrenia are easily treated with dopamine-balancing medications.  unfortunately, around 20% deteriorate in their condition and will need long term-care. for karen however, the prayer and goal for her is to have a speedy recovery so that she can live a productive and happy life.

by the way, underneath all that hair, sadako is a beautiful japanese actress in the person of yukie nakama:

here is what sadako's dog looks like: 

... gestalt therapy growth group ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapy, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

a joy to have worked with and learned from them:  

lester limjoco, mary jane gonzales, edmar pineda, farrah galban, glenn lising (kat reyes and sean- not in picture).

... supermoon 2012 ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

may 5, 2012. 

a supermoon is the moon when it comes as close as it can get to the earth.  hence, the moon is seen at its brightest and biggest when it is a supermoon. 

above me is the supermoon alright, but from the vantage point of the philippines, it fails miserably in comparison to the hugeness of same supermoon as photographed below, in phoenix, arizona.

... incest, sexual crimes, and the need for psychotherapy ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

the crew of tv5's bitag, hosted by ben tulfo, did an interview on incest.

incest is really a combination of child abuse, pedophilia, and rape.   

factors associated with incest include alcoholism, overcrowding and physical proximity, passive or absentee mothers, and a family history of incest in the perpetrator.

boys as well as girls can be victimized.  

the effects of incest manifest as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, tendencies for self-harm, hypersexuality, and/ or conflicted  intimated relationships.  clearly, survivors of incest and other sexual victimization need psychotherapy.  

... spiritual life coaching for the non-religious ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

the lopez group foundation (abs-cbn) invited me to do a talk on "integrating spirituality in daily life." 

as a psychotherapist who peeks into the lives of my clients, i am simply awed by the diversity of their spiritual lives.  i have an inter-faith practice since i meet clients who are christians, muslims, buddhists, and hindu.  

since the turn of the millenium however, i've been meeting people with non-traditional spiritual persuasions- among them, wiccans, atheists, agnostics, gnostics, and even jedi (knight) spiritualists.   

what i often hear from my clients is that they would like to nurture their spirituality in their own personal and unique way, not necessarily through organized religion or through traditional religious practices.  

as a life coach, i am called to respect each person's spirituality and it is a joy for me to accompany and encourage people in their spiritual journey.

... dealing with the issues of a teenage crisis, quarter life crisis, and midlife crisis ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

colgate philippines invited me to do a talk on life crises.

it is a rather timely topic because in the recent years, more teens have sought help from me on their own volition and without their parents accompanying them.

this can mean a number of things: it can mean that their problem involves their parents, or given the OFW phonomenon, their parents might not be present, or they may simply want to spare their parents from worrying about them.  

whether the crisis happens during the teenage, young adult, or midlife years, a crisis is a period beset by restlessness, anxiety, angst, and possibly depression. 

people in crisis are lost in some sort of psychological limbo or emotional purgatory- an angst-ridden place between the past which they need to leave behind and a future which is uncertain.  

through psychotherapy and life coaching, they can get the emotional support, respectful guidance, and spiritual direction they need to pass through and survive the "fire."  

... social anxiety disorder/ social phobia treatment in the philippines ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila)

while group therapy for the GREAT group (a support group for persons with social anxiety disorder/ social phobia) was in progress, doc alistaire "ali" bilas of tv5's alagang kapatid passed by for some sound bites on the disorder.  

the briefest thing i could tell him was that there is a lot of hope for people with social anxiety disorder and that  a higher success rate of treatment occurs with a combination of 


* anti-depressant medication (to correct the serotonin/ adrenalin imbalances which cause anxiety),


* individual psychotherapy ( to resolve psychological/ emotional issues that contribute to the disorder),


* exposure therapy via group therapy (to build social skills and confidence which is sorely lacking in people with social anxiety disorder), and


* relaxation and stress management techniques(which are natural ways of dealing with the anxiety).

having said that, i headed back to the GREAT group therapy session which culminated in an enjoyable anxiety-free lunch at the Omakase restaurant at Il Terrazo Mall. 

... life coach training program at christ's commission fellowship [CCF], glorious hope recovery program ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city. manila, philippines)

it was a privilege for the philippine society of life coaches (pslc) to do a training program for the leaders of CCF's glorious hope recovery program.  this is a program which aims to help believers in Christ shed off the old self, grow in maturity, and shine God's brightness through service for others.  

truthfully, i was very impressed with all the participants- all 40+ of them. bro. butch mossesgeld, the head of glorious hope recovery program, certainly did a great job in training them as discipleship group leaders.  in fact,  all i did was to augment what they were already good at doing. 

i am truly confident that God is going to finish the good work which he started in all the participants, as they grow in their personal lives and their lives as coaches.  praise God for how them!